You’ve got to hand it to the Twihards. As preteen girls everywhere watched their obsessive internet voting pay off with win after win for the Twilight Saga: Eclipse cast, the rest of the world suffered through last night’s lackluster MTV Movie Awards with little to celebrate. Audiences watched host Jason Sudeikis’s prophetic joke about MTV as an acronym for “More Twilight Victories” come true as the rest of the night, too, turned out to be a joke. Between unwarranted Twilight wins, including “Best Movie,” everything from the seemingly teleprompter-challenged presenters to the writers’ unimaginative grasps at humor fell flat.

     A closer look at the final score, however, shows a more diverse outcome. Twilight only actually won five of their eight nominations from a total of 12 available categories, but if the show seemed a little skewed to you, you’re not crazy. If you happened to blink at all during the two hour train wreck, you probably missed three of the night’s awards, including Inception’s Ellen Page for “Best Scared-As-S**t Performance” and Kick-Ass’s Chloe Grace Moretz for “Best Breakout Star” and “Biggest Badass Star,” who received little more than fleeting, ten-second mentions. Such a shame, when acceptance speeches from the two talented actresses would have been a much-needed break from the rest of the Twilight-tastic night.

     Even some Justin Beiber action would have been a welcome diversion from the Eclipse extravaganza, but he, like Page and Moretz, was nowhere to be seen. In fact, MTV beat us over the head with Beiber’s supposed absence, until lo and behold, the prepubescent heartthrob came striding in nonchalantly from backstage to accept his Golden Popcorn. Coincidence? Doubtful. It was almost as if MTV set us up for a “surprise” Beiber appearance to make up for his singing and dancing in Never Say Never winning “Best Jaw Dropping Moment” over Natalie Portman ripping off her own skin in Black Swan and James Franco cutting off his own arm in 127 hours. If that was their apology, I’m still waiting for an apology for the rest of the night.  At least Beiber had the decency to accept his award graciously and sincerely, explaining his appearance as a refusal to “let down his fans.” Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson could certainly take a page out of his book, as both Eclipse stars’ acceptance speeches were as unsurprised and uninterested as the rest of the audience.

           Justin Beiber accepts his award for only being the second most-annoying preteen obsession.

     My unrest with the Twilight sweep doesn’t stem from jealousy or resentment, but a sense of injustice. Take “Best Fight,” for example, where this year’s nominees were nothing short of exceptional. Joseph Gordon Levitt’s dapper tailored suit failed to slow him down during his anti-gravity Inception brawl while 14-year-old Moretz’s counterpart Hit Girl put a mob boss to shame in Kick-Ass. Amy Adams’s tousle with a group of deserving sisters came from a movie called The Fighter, for heaven’s sake. The yawn-worthy Eclipse scene that won it all paled in comparison.

     Probably the most abominable Eclipse award, though, was Stewart’s win for “Best Female Performance.” How her emotionless portrayal of Bella Swan, one of the worst female role models in recent history, beat out Natalie Portman’s Oscar-winning “swan” role will always escape me. A helpful chart that has been circulating the internet, comparing Stewart to fellow nominee Emma Watson, says it all. I thought that if anything, this would be the one award that Twilight lost, perhaps out of female Pattinson-and-Lautner-loving fans’ envy, but they triumphed once more.

     Predictable and poorly written, the rest of the show relied on crass humor and gimmicks to squeak by. The video of two rottweilers going at it on Jim Carrey’s green screen suit was juvenile at best, and the bit about the Jackass 3D cast’s green “laser boners” (a nod to presenters Ryan Reynolds’s and Blake Lively’s upcoming flick, Green Lantern) seemed desperate and drawn out, but that wasn’t the worst of it. All tact aside, Sudeikis poked fun at governor Schwarzenegger’s illegitimate child scandal and destroyed marriage multiple times before moving on to more tasteful jokes, making light of mountain climber Aron Ralston’s tragic, self-inflicted amputation (portrayed by James Franco in 127 Hours), and then openly bantering about pornography with the rock Ralston’s arm was stuck under.

                        Host Jason Sudeikis gets a whiff of how badly his own jokes stink.

     This is not to say that the show was without its redeeming moments. The Emmas, Watson and Stone charmed with their wit (and spot-on fashion sense) at every appearance, including Stone’s humble acceptance for “Best Comedic Performance” in Easy A. One of the most deserved awards was one that voters, thankfully, had nothing to do with. Reese Witherspoon received her Generation Award with all the the refreshing wisdom and class we’ve come to expect from the multi-talented Oscar winner and philanthropist. It’s too bad Pattinson managed to botch the award presentation beyond all repair. Luckily, Witherspoon didn’t need presenters and former costars Patrick Dempsey, Chelsey Handler, and Pattinson to justify her award; her body of work on-screen and off and her acceptance speech more than illustrated her rightful distinction.

     She hailed her honor as a victory for all the good girls, a sign that actresses don’t need a trashy reality TV show or a sex tape to have a successful career in Hollywood. Her uplifting message also served as an ever-so-subtle jab at MTV, an existentially confused “music” network that, aside from half-heartedly hosting awards ceremonies, also rewards teens with their own TV shows for being pregnant, over dramatic, ignorant, drunk, self-involved and/or self-loathing.

    Reese Witherspoon receives MTV Generation Award with wisdom and class, to the dismay of MTV.

     I suppose you can’t blame MTV for catering to their audience, the same Twilight-obsessed tweens that were most likely to stick around for the over-hyped “Teen Wolf” premiere. But what’s next for the awards show and its mother network? Sudeikis hit the nail on the head when he called out MTV execs’ ostensible abandonment of the “music” in “Music Television.” The entire affair may have been a massive let down, yet it still went exactly as expected. If we can ever hope to expect more from movie awards show on a “music” channel, it might have to wait until The Twilight Saga wraps up after 2012. As for the ill-fated network, it’s difficult to foresee MTV clawing its way out of the vampire, werewolf, and teen drama-ridden rut it has fallen into. Perhaps it’s time to let go of the once pivotal network as a source of true pop-culture innovation and move on to more promising culture hubs.

     If you missed out on all the inaction, don’t worry - tune into MTV any time within the next month and you’re sure to catch the re-runs (but for your sake, I hope you don’t).